The Reluctant Grandparent: A Case Study

For many people, the birth of a grandchild is a long-awaited and extraordinarily happy event, but not everyone looks toward becoming a grandparent with eager anticipation. While the reasons for a reluctant attitude toward grandparenting might vary from person to person, a lack of enthusiasm about the arrival of one’s children’s children certainly has the potential to cause a great deal of family discord.

One Grandmother’s Story

Janice has been a single parent since her two children were very young. She raised a son and a daughter with no hands-on help and very little financial assistance from her ex-husband. By the time that both children were grown and on their own, Janice was, as she says, “plain exhausted.”

Three years after emptying her nest, Janice’s daughter announced that she and her husband were expecting a baby and as much as she wanted to be excited about the notion of becoming a grandmother, Janice says that she just couldn’t seem to summon much enthusiasm. Now, six years later, Janice is a grandmother three times over, yet she still hasn’t found the experience to be as enriching as do some of her peers.

“I love my grandchildren. I really do. But I’m never going to be that grandma who drones on to her friends about the things that the grandchildren are doing or invites the kids to spend summers at her house. And I sometimes feel a little guilty about that.”

Modern Grandparents

A few generations ago, most grandparents were at a “slowing down” point in their lives, but many of today’s grandparents are busy with their careers, often working long hours to make the most of what they consider their maximum earning years. Stress and already overcommitted day-planners can leave little time for entertaining grandchildren, even for those grandparents who take genuine pleasure in spending time with the youngest members of their families. For others, like Janice, who prefer the company of adults, family time can sometimes feel more like an obligation than a joy.

“When my daughter visits with my granddaughter or my son and his wife come by with their twins, I have to admit that the noise and the mess often make me feel tense and uneasy,” says Janice. “I put on a happy face,” she adds, “but in all honesty, I’m usually a little relieved when they go home and the house is quiet again.”

Finding Balance

In the months after her first grandchild was born, Janice tried unsuccessfully to feign the feelings that she thought she should have. “My daughter was hurt that her mother-in-law was always popping over to see the baby and picking up little things for her in the shops, while I seemed content to visit less frequently.” Janice recalls.

Her daughter mentioned her concerns and became tearful, which made Janice feel bad. “I wasn’t trying to be hurtful,” she says. “Until it was brought to my attention, I honestly didn’t realize that what I felt was that out of the ordinary. I have learned to be more attentive,” she continues, “and that has helped a great deal.”

Both of Janice’s children live near her, so she is able to schedule frequent, but short visits, which suits her perfectly. “We’ve found a happy balance,” she says. “We alternate hosting regular, casual get-togethers so that we all stay connected, but when they are looking for someone to take care of their kids overnight or longer, my children tend to ask their in-laws.”

Letting Go of Expectations

Every family is as unique as the people who comprise it, and there is no one “right” way for family members to interact. Some grandparents are delighted to be regular caregivers for their grandkids, while others are more comfortable to take a less hands-on approach. In the end, all that really matters is that the members of each family, from the oldest to the youngest, know that they are loved and accepted for who they are. Janice sums up her situation by saying, “I may not be one to attend every little event, but my kids know that I love them and my grandchildren know it, too. And that’s good enough for me.”